Lent 2025 Postings

April 9, 2025 - Just a bloody nose

So when I posted on March 15th and blamed Adam for missing a few posts, I could never have predicted what March 16th would start.

Some of you know I have many medical issues, and one of them is frequent bloody noses. In December 2022, I was schedule to have surgery on my nose to help fix one of the issues. They gave me steroids to take to hopefully increase my platelets before surgery. However, they didn't pay attention to me when I asked for a plan b if my sugars got out of control. I ended up in the ER twice with blood sugars above 600. They had to cancel surgery after the second visit. So when we rescheduled for January 2023, we did 2 units of platelets the night before surgery. After the transfusion my platelets were 116. I knew there were issues when the anesthesiologist called me at home before I left for the hospital. She wasn't comfortable with my platelet history. When I got to the hospital my platelets were only 64. They went into surgery, but only to cauterize a few of the trouble spots. I left the hospital with a bloody nose. That ENT retired the following Spring. In 2024, I saw a new ENT. She didn't even wanna try to fix the nose because until my platelets stablized about 100, there was nothing she could do.

March 16, 2024 - The day of Hell

I woke up with a bloody nose. I was fighting with it for 4-5 hours before I got it to stop. I made a pizza since i was going to finally be able to eat. As soon as the pizza was done, my nose started up again. It was pissing me off because I can normally get them to stop. Finally around 9pm, I headed to the local ER. Out of some twist of fate, the doctor I had in January 2025 (another major bloody nose I couldn't get to stop) was my doctor. He laughed because he is only part-time, working 1-2 day a month. In January he was able to get it to stop and send me home within 5 hours. No such luck this time. He couldn't get the bleeding to stop. I had to take an ambulance from the Marion ER to the Cedar Rapids ER. The ENT met with me and decided to take me into surgery. I got out of surgery around 5am and stayed in the hospital until Tuesday afternoon. I had packing in both nostrils and would have to wait until Friday to get it out. So Wednesday comes and I start bleeding thru the packing. I tried waiting and praying and nothing helped, so back to the Cedar Rapids ER. The same nurse that I had on Monday called dibs when she saw my name. *same doctor, same nurse, just a little weird*. The ER doctor tried something different - TXA and fluids. Bleeding stopped, I went home. Friday morning I had a 9am at the ENT, then 11:15am therapy appointment. Well, just like everything else this week, that didn't go as planned. He didn't want to take out the packs because if they came out and I was still bleeding, the type of doctor I needed isn't available in Cedar Rapids. So we did a blood count and they were the lowest they had been in a while:

Hemoglobin 8.5 (down from 11.2 on the 16th)

Hematocrit 25.9 (down from 34.1 on the 16th)

Red Blood Cells 3.01 (down from 3.96 on the 16th)

Platelets 53 (down from 88 on the 16th)

With the results of my labs, the doctor said that I can't drive. I either needed a ride to Iowa City, or I would be in an ambulance... yep, got my second ride in a week in an ambulance BECAUSE OF A BLOODY NOSE!

I was transfered to UIHC in Iowa City. I was given some pain meds and a blood transfusion. The doctor wanted to keep the packs in until Monday. I about lost my shit. I can't do this until Monday. He gave me a syringe and showed me how to take out safely, but told me that I really needed to wait until Monday.

Made it through the weekend at home. Called Monday to get into the ENT and was told I had to waiting until Tuesday. I was done. I took that shit out myself. It felt so good to breathe again. I tried to relax that next week and thought I was good. On April 1st, I get a bloody nose that lasted a few hours, I think it was just someone's idea of an April's Fools Day prank.

I am still kinda feeling "off". I am sleeping way too much, which is odd for me, I normally don't sleep enough. Maybe my body is trying to catch up. I have the belief that if your body needs sleep, you sleep. This morning I woke up with dried blood all over my hand and nail beds. Are you fucking kidding me? But hey, no bloody nose... nope, now I had blood coming out of my ear. FUCK MY LIFE.

So that is my health update and my excuse for not completing my Lent promise again. I am hoping to update other items of my life later this week.

Until then 🙏

March 15, 2025 - PSALM 3:4

I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. Psalm 3:4

I have missed a few days, but I'm okay with that. I blame Adam. I would prefer to get to a stopping point with whatever I am doing, then journal before bed. However, Adam isn't allowing it. Adam wakes up from his nap (in the office) between 9-11pm. He decides it is bedtime and sits on my keyboard. I am nervous about getting him to stay in the office 5 days a month, but I know it is a compromise that is fair. Javier gets here on Wednesdays and leaves on Mondays... should be easy.

I start therapy again this next Friday (Staci's birthday). I am not looking forward to breaking in a new person. I feel like it will take months for me to give her the cliff notes of my life. Oh wait, do they stiff have cliff notes. I also have a total of 11 doctor appointments in the next 8 weeks. I just fell annoyed by the appointments anymore. They should have me go do labs and then call if they want to see me. Right now they seem to do labs and have me come in to see me just to say, everything is the same so we will see you next year. At least therapy will be every other week I think. I know I was going every week for a couple of years. That was when I was working and needed coping skills that didn't include killing any employees.

I call out your name and you answer me from above --- that is how I take today's scripture. Keep your head up, keep your head high. When you walk with your head down, your are not engaging. You are not searching for His response, You have closed yourself off. He wants us to call His name. And He wants us to be accepting of His response. I have a hard time putting things in to words. I know how I feel about it, but I can't put feeling into words at times. I know how I feel when my head is down. I also know how I feel when I close my eye, lift my head up and talk to Him.

🙏

March 11, 2025 - no doubt

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:6

For the past few days I have been doubting my current living situation. Looking for issues - looking for more distrust issues - trying not to sink into my normal cycle to depression. I am alwasys amazed how the Lord talks to me through scripture - and music. Years ago - and I mean YEARS AGO - I was given this CD. Jaci Velasquez / Heavenly Place. It was her 1st album (CD) in 1995 (?). I have turned to this music in times of internal turmoil for years.

I encourage everyone to listen to the song below - in English or Spanish. This album truly gives me peace - 30 years after it was released.

🙏

Jaci Velaquez - Flower in the rain

JaCi Velásquez - Como Una Flor

You are the One Eres el único

There′s no one else No hay nadie más

Who lifts me up Quien me levanta

And gives me water from the dwell Y me da agua del pozo

But there's a hole Pero hay un hoyo

That seems to drain it all away Que parece drenarlo todo

And once again I′m left in fear and doubt Y una vez más, me quedo con miedo y duda

When all my strength is crying out Cuando mi fortaleza está flaqueando

chorus coro

So here I am again Aquí estoy de nuevo

Willing to be opened up and broken Dispuesta a ser constreñida y rota

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

Tell me what have I to do Dime que tengo que hacer

To die and then be raised Para morir y luego ser levantada

To reach beyond the pain Para llegar más allá del dolor

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

verse verso

The evil wind it blows a storm El viento maligno sopla una tormenta

To rock my world Para sacudir mi mundo

Just when I think I'm safe and warm Justo, cuando pienso que estoy a salvo y cálida

I'm led astray far too easily Me desvío con demasiada facilidad

It′s always hard for me to say I′m wrong Siempre es difícil para mi reconocer que estoy equivocada

Until I know I can't go on Hasta que ya no puedo más

chorus coro

So here I am again Aquí estoy de nuevo

Willing to be opened up and broken Dispuesta a ser constreñida y rota

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

Tell me what have I to do Dime que tengo que hacer

To die and then be raised Para morir y luego ser levantada

To reach beyond the pain Para llegar más allá del dolor

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

bridge Puente

Lord, You have searched me and know Señor, me has buscado y sabes

When I sleep and when I rise Cuando duermo y cuando despierto

You′re familiar with all my ways Estás familiarizado con todos mis caminos

Even the darkness will shine like the day Incluso, la oscuridad brillará como el día

When You look into my heart Cuanto miras en mi corazón

chorus coro

So here I am again Aquí estoy de nuevo

Willing to be opened up and broken Dispuesta a ser constreñida y rota

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

Tell me what have I to do Dime que tengo que hacer

To die and then be raised Para morir y luego ser levantada

To reach beyond the pain Para llegar más allá del dolor

Like a flower in the rain Como una flor en la lluvia

March 9, 2025

Friday was a bad day for me. I don't really know why. It was almost like Luke 1:78 was giving me a good example to remember tomorrow is a new day.

Saturday was unussually productive. Cleaned both bathrooms (except the floor because I am going to wait until it is warm later this week to wash the rugs in both bathrooms), finished laundry, cleaned the kitchen, worked on decluttering the living room and then started organizing the office. Cara came over for a couple hours and really helped me push through the list of stuff I needed help with. She laughed and said it didn't seem like we did anything. I really appreciate the time she comes over to help me. Sometimes when she is using the computer, then it forces me to go do things that need to be done.

With taxes comingup, the computer work she has done will really help me get them done. But I am not ready to dive into that yet.

Adam was much better yesterday when it came to biting and scratching. When Cara was herer he slept most of the time.

So yesterday's scripture:

Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.

Ephesians 3:17

As everyone knows, I am a very strong woman - and that is due to God's love. With God everything is possible. I have had so many medical issues, personal issues and mental issues, yet some people see me and think I am healthy. They think it is unhealthy for me to take so munch medication and don't understand why I'm on disabilty. When I was working, sometimes people would see me working my ass off, doing anything and everything that needed to be done. I even had to serve tables with a boot and crutches. Yet, I still looked healthy. Toay I thank God for His love and for making me strong.

🙏

I really needed to know that tomorrow is a new day. Really stressed today and was losing my patience with a little kitten who only wants to be loved. I feel horrible for even thinking about rehoming him - but I can't have all these little bites and scratches on me.

I have so many projects I want to work on, but the issue I have, as soon as I get to a stopping point and call it a day, I have no idea where I was or how I got there the next day and have to start over. I can't imagine if I was working and had to redo everything. I'm still without a vehicle, which was fine since it was snowing again. Hoping I can pick up the van on Monday and get back to the gym. I hate going to the gym when it is so cold, but I don't like leaving the house at all when it is below zero LOL

This scripture has calmed me down and after this entry, I am calling it a night. I need to go calm down and have a little quiet time.

🙏

March 6, 2025

Okay, so I always have a Lent plan and I have succeeded 90% of the time. This year I decided to make it a little different. THIS is my Lent - journaling here. I wasn't successful in the journaling last year, but 2024 wasn't a good year for that - I was bitter most of the year.

I do start therapy again on March 21st, it has been almost 3 years since my therapist "fired" me. Whatever!

Today's scripture

Don't let your hearts be troubled.

Trust in God, and trust in me also.

John 14:1

This might be a long Lent. If all these hit home like this. I know my heart is troubled and I need to do more soul searching. And yes, I do say that 2024 wasn't a good year, but this isn't about 2024 - this is about what led up to 2024. Nothing that is weighing heavy on my heart is being blamed on him. I pushed him away for two years with a smile on my face. I won't say that what he did was right, but I also won't blame him. I just need to take this time to reflect and trust in Jesus also.

🙏

And Lent begins 3/5/25

Lent starts with a powerful scripture.

Be joyful in hope,

Patient in affliction,

Faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:12

First things first... 12:12? This is definately a sign that this was meant for me. Also, credit is to be given to "the Praying Woman's Journal". It is a 60 week journal, but I am going to use it for daily prayers for Lent.

Okay, so let's break it down to fit my thoughts.

Be Joyful in hope

This might be a hard one for me. Hope isn't a feeling that I have had so much. I used to have this. I used to be hopeful that things would get better. But for the last few years, I just feel like I am going thru the motions. So, this will be a goal for me.

Patient in Affliction

Umm, I think I have been the most patient person in the world. Maybe it is just going thru the motions, but with all the doctors, I just feel like there are never answers, never treatments, never anything new. But I think this means that I need to be more proactive and patient. I don't know, I know I hide how I feel mentally and physically at times, so I need to work on that also.

Faithful in Prayer

This is going to be an easier one for me. I pray all the time. I don't advertise my relationship with God. I am not a faithful attendee of Sunday service. But that doesn't mean that I am not in communication with God. I don't pray and tell (kiss and tell - hahaha). I know that He says we need to spread the word, but that just isn't me.

🙏